Wrestlemania 34 predictions

This year’s Wrestlemania is fucking stacked, yo. It’s got more intrigue than your average bar fight, bigger and better characters than you’ll find at your local townie dive, and more people capable of making your jaw drop with stunning feats of athleticism than you’ll find during the post-close taxi rush. That might sound like I’m selling Wrestlemania short, but remember: I’m really, really amused by the bar, and not just when Sheamus and Cesaro are involved.

Like all self-respecting fans of pro graps, I like to think I’ve got a good handle on what’s about to go down at the Showcase of the Immortals. Let me get it all down in writing so you can laugh at me later when I’m horribly wrong. We’re going to group these predictions based on how confident I am in them so you’ll be able to gauge the appropriate volume of your post-Mania guffaws, chortles, and giggles.

Mortal locks

Roman Reigns will defeat Brock Lesnar for the Universal Championship. They’ve been building to this for almost three years now. Roman’s not quite the blockbusting babyface WWE wants him to be, but with Brock likely headed back to the octagon soon there’s no reason not to finish this story as planned. Superlative: Most Likely to Break the Louisiana Wrestling Commission’s No Blood Rule

The Undertaker’s going to whoop John Cena. No way they let Cena call the Dead Man a coward and then book Taker to lose. That’s not how this works. I’m sort of digging frustrated, middle-aged John Cena, and a loss here could really boost that part of his character. Superlative: Most Likely to Send an Old Dude to the Hospital

Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle will defeat Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Big names like Ronda don’t start their WWE careers with losses. This one will end with Steph in an arm bar and Hunter in the ankle lock, tapping out in stereo. Superlative: Most Likely to Send a Woman to the Hospital

Nia Jax will defeat Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship. I guess there’s an outside chance this one ends in a disqualification due to Mickey James interfering on Bliss’s behalf, but come on—Alexa’s been such a body shaming piece of shit the last few weeks that there’s no way she gets a clean victory. I’m sort of worried about the quality of this one given the size difference and relative inexperience of the participants. Superlative: Most Likely to Fall a Little Flat

Bayley will finally turn on Sasha Banks to win the Women’s Battle Royale. I mean, come on. This is literally the only story going into this match. Superlative: Most Likely to Make Little Kids Cry

Yeah, I’m pretty sure

Daniel Bryan will turn on Shane McMahon to help Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. After everything Shane’s family put him through, I have a hard time believing Daniel Bryan has really sided with a McMahon against a pair of fellow indie darlings. Superalitive: Loudest Ovation

Charlotte Flair will retain the Smackdown Women’s Championship against Asuka. Charlotte gets to do pretty much every women’s division thing first, and Asuka’s streak almost feels like a bit of an albatross around her character’s neck. Losing to the Queen would do nothing to harm Asuka’s mystique and a little vulnerability might serve her well. Superlative: Most Likely to Produce the Evening’s Best Entrance

The New Day will win the Smackdown Tag Team Championships in a Triple Threat against the Usos and the Bludgeon Brothers.  After being relegated to hosting duties at last year’s Mania, the New Day deserve a big victory in the ring. Their chemistry with the Usos is unmatched and the sheer size and viciousness Bludgies add an interesting new wrinkle to their usual formula. Superlative: Most Likely to Steal the Show

Braun Strowman and a mystery partner will defeat the Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championships. Putting the tag straps on Braun would be a great way to keep him away from Roman until Summerslam. Superlative: Most Likely to Disappoint Me By Not Producing a James Ellsworth Appearance

Cedric Alexander will defeat Mustafa Ali to win the vacant Cruiserweight Championship. It just feels like Ced’s turn. Superlative: Most Likely to Make a Non-Fan Yell “Holy Shit!”

Randy Orton will retain the United States Championship against Bobby Roode, Rusev, and Jinder Mahal. I’d love to see Handsome Rusev walk away victorious here, but I just can’t see any of these guys beating Orton at Wrestlemania. Superlative: Most Likely to be a Bit of a Mess

Finn Balor will defeat the Miz and Seth Rollins for the Intercontinental Championship. Balor needs a big win, and taking the belt off the Miz frees him up for either a little new-father time off or to move up the card so Roman can get revenge for a few previous losses. Feels like those two aren’t quite done yet. I don’t know why Rollins is even in this match. Superlative: Best Face Paint

Who the fuck knows

Matt Hardy will win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale. I guess. Whatever. Superlative: Most Likely to be WONDERFUL HYEAHASSSS