The 2022 Winter Olympics began the other day, reminding me once again that holy crap, the Olympics are so damn dull.
Look, I appreciate the dedication and skill of all of these amazing athletes. I just don’t find anything they’re doing particularly entertaining.
So let’s jazz it up. Let’s bring the Winter Games into the post-pandemic-ish world where everything’s just a little bit bonkers. Let’s add these new events!
Snowman Assault
Remember when you were a kid and you’d go out into the pure snow and carefully construct a perfectly crafted snowman? Remember how a couple days later you’d revisit that snowman and karate the shit out of him?
I’d watch highly trained fighters do that. Imagine the crowd going wild as some burly Russian collapses Frosty with a single punch to the gut or as a jiu-jitsu master roundhouse kicks a carrot nose clean off.
I also suggest we skip the drug testing for this one, in the name of MAXIMUM SNOWMAN CARNAGE.
Ice Skating Laser Tag
Initially I thought it would be fun to get a bunch of skaters chasing each other around the rink with pool noodles in the spirit of Tonya Harding, but then I realized the addition of laser tag would be even better. There is not enough laser tag in the world.
I’m picturing a dodgeball-style free-for-all, with the last non-tagged skater declared the victor. There’s room for multiple variants as well: men’s, ladies, couples, or more! Maybe there’s a version where each nation has to team one of their figure skaters up with one of their speed skaters, combining very different skill sets in a way not unlike class-based shooter video games. I’m here for it.
Snowtube Racing
One big hill. A dozen or so finely tuned athletes with plastic inflatables. A running start, a headfirst dive, and a fast and furious slide to the finish line, hopefully with at least a few collisions and dramatic crashes. Bobsled, luge, and skeleton are cool I guess, but that whole one-at-a-time thing really limits the entertainment value.
I mean, who didn’t love this as a kid? The speed. The danger. The melodramatic rivalries with jerks who dared to bump you. Give me that, on TV, with a bunch of talking heads over-analyzing all of it.
Combine with Snowman Assault for the best version of the biathlon ever.
The Drunk Stumble Home
Don’t you dare tell me that figure skating is a sport but walking home on a snowy, icy sidewalk after closing time isn’t. Think of the balance involved. The delicate, precise movements. The pure elation upon successfully vaulting a snowbank onto your front stoop. It’s poetry in motion, is what it is. Why, I’m practically tearing up just thinking about it!