After the lockout, are MLB’s new rules any good?

Major League Baseball’s lockout of its players is over, thank Christ. It is disgusting how relieved I am by this.

The new collective bargaining agreement includes a bunch of changes and potential changes to the on-field product. Are they any good? I know everything, so I’ll tell you using baseball terms I think are moderately clever.

Although I’m glad the players are seeing a bigger piece of the pie, I will not be wasting any more keystrokes on the financials, by the way, because I just don’t care. I am so tired of good things getting sidelined due to questions of process.

No more seven-inning doubleheaders – I will miss these. As far as I’m concerned, all games should be seven innings. Strike out.

No more free runner on second in extra innings – I will miss these too. You will eventually detect a trend; although I really love baseball, I also want the games to just hurry the fuck up and get themselves over with. Removing this runner drastically increases the chances of useless ass seventeen-inning snooze fests. Weak grounder to the mound.

Universal DH – Although I will really miss the yearly highlight of some fat/old/weird pitcher randomly jacking a homer, I think it’s wise to get another legit bat into National League lineups and make the rules consistent. Base hit up the middle.

Expanded playoffs – Twelve teams, four division winners get byes, no more wildcard. I am ambivalent. Sweeping the dirt in between innings.

Pitch clock (2023, maybe) – I don’t know if there is a single phrase more commonly screamed at televised baseball games than “THROW THE DAMN BALL!” I am all the way in on this one. Grip it and rip it. Game-winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth inning of game seven of the World Series.

Bigger bases (2023, possibly) – Stolen bases are fun and exciting! Encouraging teams to run more by making the bases larger is good! Ground rule double.

Robo umps (2023, if they feel like it) – As a technical professional with almost twenty years of experience, I can assure you there is nothing I want less than a fucking computer calling the balls and strikes. Those little metal assholes can’t be trusted to behave. Easy throw hurled violently into the stands.

Delaying those last three items until some convoluted committee process can explore them – Why? Why not just decide right now and get it over with? Just make a damn decision all ready. This is not hard. Balk with the bases loaded.