The ultimate vaccination plan

So we know that if we want the world to be a slightly less obnoxious place we need to vaccinate as many people as possible against COVID-19. We also know that there are small but entrenched cadres of conspiracy-humping Tucker Carlson fanboys and hippie dippie moon children who absolutely refuse to pull their heads out of their strangely similar asses and get the damn jab.

Peer pressure isn’t getting the job done. Being confronted with the reality of the situation isn’t, either, because to these people everything is made up and the points don’t matter. Mandates ain’t gonna work either.

But I know how to fix this.

We have to give them what they want.

We have to lie to them.

Look, these are people who think “doing my own research” means blatantly trusting the world’s most untrustworthy sources of information. They think the world’s foremost experts on infectious diseases are all wrong about the vaccine but somehow their uncle’s neighbor’s friend who used to push a broom at Raytheon before he got fired for showing up drunk too many times is a real authority, and that guy says you should snort horse de-wormer, so they go do that. Although I too would like to live in a world where I get to visit Dr. Pol when I get sick, come the fuck on.

So fuck the mandates. And fuck education. And fuck honest discourse. Pay Joe Rogan under the table to podcast about how the vaccine increased his muscle mass and improves the quality of every narcotic high imaginable. Fund Gwyneth Paltrow to slap a Goop sticker on a bunch of syringes and sell this shit as some sort of essential oil/crystal dust miracle solution that flushes out all the toxins while protecting you from Big Daddy C. Find the Russian hackers who built the massive disinformation network propping up Donald Trump and offer them American citizenship in exchange for flooding the internet with stories claiming the Fauci Ouchie cures male pattern baldness, reverses socialist tendencies, makes you shoot your guns straighter, and alters the chemical composition of neckbeard musk so it’s irresistible to supermodels. Just get these dipshits vaxxed already, however you have to do it.

“But Scott Colby!” some of you might be saying. “That’s unethical!” First, I don’t care anymore. Second, no, it’s not. These people have proven over and over and over again that they aren’t happy unless they’re shaping their entire identities around the dumbest lies known to mankind. They get to suckle on the sweet bullshit they crave, we get them vaccinated, and I get to go to a pro wrestling show without wearing a mask.

Sounds like a win-win to me.