The worst people you meet in the bar post-pandemic

Look, I know the pandemic isn’t technically over, but “The people you meet in the bar after you’ve been vaccinated and boosted and decided the current situation works well enough within your own personal risk tolerance that you’ve decided it’s ok to go get a beer every now and then as long as things don’t look weird” is a shit title. Don’t blame me; blame Twitter’s character limit.

The guy who cites “the data” to say we never should’ve closed anything

I love a good metric as much as the next nerd, but come the fuck on: all the lines, charts, and graphs describing the coronavirus’s impact on the population represent people‘s lives, for fuck’s sake. And if you want an argument that takes the human element out of why we were right to shut things down, keep in mind that every infection was presented another opportunity for the virus to mutate and evolve into a more dangerous form. Blindly chugging on with business as usual before the advent of vaccines and improved treatments would have been foolish and irresponsible.

Oh, and if you present this argument by starting with “I’m not a conservative, but…” then all you’re doing is telling the world you’ve got binders full of Tinder women who all unmatched you when you admitted you voted for the big orange doof.

The close talker

This guy sucked three years ago. He sucks even more now that we’ve all been trained to view every droplet of someone else’s fluids as a little spritz of potential death water. Do the world a favor and lean back in you chair, bud. I showered this morning, and you’re about to fall right off the front of your seat. I know we’re all being a smidge irresponsible by even breathing the same air as other strangers right now, but there’s no reason to make that worse.

Plus, he’s just so loud. I’m still not used to how much noise other people make. It’s unsettling.

The guy that never left

He was in that very same stool the last time you were there in February of 2020. He’s clearly there most nights of the week and never changed that habit unless the place was completely closed. When the staff opened the back room up illegally for a few nights, he was at the top of the guest list. He is the mayor of this establishment, the benevolent yet slightly judgy lord of all that he surveys. Lesser patrons pay tribute to him in passing with a nod, a handshake, or an inside joke. He caught covid twice, but each time his worst symptom was tremendous, earth-rattling flatulence which he reflects upon proudly to all willing to listen.

He sucks because he makes you think weird thoughts about your own choices. While you were swearing at the tiny scissors necessary for your new bonsai tree hobby, he was pounding shots with his friends in defiance of nature’s fury. And yet, he survived. Could you have survived as well? Were all your precautions a waste of time? Is it worth remaining informed, making careful decisions, and reaching for something better, or has this gentleman found the secret to happiness in stoically remaining himself through all trials and tribulations?

Probably not, but…fuck.