An interview on the latest episode of 60 Minutes has kicked the zeitgeist into action around unidentified flying objects. Turns out the United States military has been encountering a ton of these things out at sea the last few years. There’s been no word on any abductions and/or probings.

I’ve been into this shit since I was kid, save for a dramatic period in my tweens when I refused to sleep with my window open because I was sure the Grays were going to suck me out into their ship. High quality Andersen Window panes clearly make a huge difference against grabby extraterrestrials. Anyway, the phenomenon itself is fascinating to me. People are seeing things, or at least they think they’re seeing things, or in some cases they’re pretending to see things, and it’s all so god damn interesting. It’s like a giant pu pu platter with that fire stuff in the middle: I love it and I can’t take my eyes off of it.

So this is exciting, and the declassified report due to Congress soon is exciting, and it’s got me all a-flutter like I’m headed to prom with the Homecoming Queen. I’m not dumb enough to think we’re on the verge of some huge revelation that blows the doors off everything we think we know about our place in the universe, but I’m prepped for a fun time nonetheless.

It’s fun to speculate on what these things could be. To me, there are four main categories for grouping the specific possibilities. Let’s explore, in order from most likely to least.

They’re all horse crap

This is always the most likely explanation when anything potentially paranormal is up for discussion. Don’t dismiss the fact that all of these recent reports are coming from a single source: the United States military. At the risk of going full Alex Jones, that’s not a crew we can trust not to have an ulterior motive. The same can be said–perhaps even more strongly–about the ecosystem of contractors the keeps our armed forces supplied.

Are there threats facing our country right now? Absolutely. But you don’t deploy the Navy or spend the gross domestic product of Chile on new jets to battle hackers, Russian agents subverting our elections, or the increasing shadiness of gig work. Strange objects that might be aliens, though? That’s a threat you want to make sure your military is prepared for.

They’re a natural phenomenon with which we are not yet familiar

The vast majority of these recent reports are happening at sea. The ocean has proven to be a vast, strange place teeming with all manner of weird shit. Believing there could by some funky shit happening above the ocean is easier than believing in life after love.

Could these supposed objects be some weird interplay between the water, the sky, and the sunlight? Is it a strange quantum effect that doesn’t happen above solid ground? Is this what happens when a blue whale eats garbage from Taco Bell and unleashes a fart? It’s all possible.

They’re man-made

Have you seen the crazy shit you can do with a consumer drone these days? Is it really too much to think a government–domestic or foreign–has even crazier technology for moving small vehicles around? Or perhaps to project energy in such a way that it can fool both sensitive detection instruments and the human eye?

These could also be Bitcoins. They’re too pretty to be Doge.

They’re the result of an inhuman intelligence

The aforementioned whale farts don’t count here. We’re talking grays, visitors, or perhaps octopi signaling their home planet that yes, humans are still god damn stupid and the rest of you should stay away lest you risk ending up in a salad.

If these are extraterrestrial machines, it’s most likely that they are remote probes. You could convince me that any society advanced enough to cross vast interstellar distances probably doesn’t have to worry about the G-forces at play in objects that move the way these things do, but really…why bother going all that way just to blow a few donuts over the Atlantic?

Then again, if the only reason I wasn’t abducted was a little bit of glass and vinyl, perhaps their motives are beyond our understanding.