When I win Vax Millions…

The first drawing in Massachusetts’s shameless ploy to goad its legions of lottery-loving louts into getting the jab is this week. Winners will be announced Thursday.

As a proud degenerate Masshole, I signed up five minutes after registration opened.

But what oh what will I do when I win all that money? Let’s explore the options via bulleted list.

  • I could purchase a 200-square foot studio condominium in the basement of a triple decker in Quincy that floods twice a month, because that’s all a million (after taxes) bucks can get you in the real estate market around here. Actually…fuck that.
  • Hire a personal tailor and instruct him to make me dress like Seth Rollins every damn day. Six months ago I would have said “No, sir, I do not want drip, that sounds like an STD” but now I know better and I want it.
  • Buy a shit ton of chicken parm subs because fuck it that shit is delicious.
  • Found a non-profit dedicated to sending Mitch McConnell one (1) dog terd in a paper bag every day for the rest of his life. October will be Alaskan malamute month, our big fundraising drive. Get in now on the ground floor of this hot new cultural experience that’s really making a difference in the life of our country’s biggest asshole!
  • Buy as many house boats as I can. Global warming is real, yo, and you fools investing in useless shit like land and houses are in for a rude awakening. Seaworthiness is the buzzword of the next decade, my friends. If it’s good enough for MacGyver, it’s good enough for you.
  • Finally embrace my destiny and purchase a mail order bride. I will meet her at the airport in my best flaming paisley suit and bring her back to my favorite house boat, where we shall dine on the finest chicken parm subs available in the local deli. After several awkward days of nervous glances and never stepping within three feet of each other, I shall set her free with a fat stack of cash and a basket of subs, then retire to watch the sunset from my deck, content in the knowledge that although I shall spend the rest of my days as that lonely lunatic living on a boat at least I am fucking rich.