Farts should be protected speech

Recently, a young Austrian man was fined for farting in the general direction of a police officer approaching him and his friends in a park for an identity check. In court, the man tried to argue that this fine is ridiculous because his flatulence should be protected under his freedom of expression. The presiding judge …

Lazarus Jones and the Burden of Brilliance

With great power comes great responsibility – and friends who expect you to bail them out of trouble. “I’ve got it!” Lazzy said, triumphantly presenting Keighlan with the unicorn’s tooth. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and leaned in for a closer look. “Where was it?” “In his desk drawer, underneath …

Selfless

An ancient rite for modern times. Magellaneg’s legs ached. That was the whole point of the exercise, she knew, but trolls weren’t built to kneel. To her left, Gallamemnit sensed her discomfort. “Can’t be long now, Mag,” he whispered. Cousins born mere weeks apart, they’d always been close—although they often joked that if there were any sort of psychic bond …

The Underdog

Don’t gamble what you can’t afford to lose. Jim rose up from the butt groove in his beloved couch as the quarterback on screen scrambled to his left, cocked his arm, and launched a prayer toward the end zone. “Come on,” Jim slurred, his awareness bursting to life through the craft beer haze that’d kept him placid through the game’s first fifty-nine …

Is it weird…

…that I’m oddly preoccupied with my bottle of fish oil capsules? Like, it says it’s 100% Alaskan, but how do I know some grouper from Kentucky didn’t sneak his way in there? …that I find it cathartic to see the virtual players I found most frustrating in the first season of my MLB: The Show …

On 2020

So 2020 sucked, right? That’s the prevailing wisdom. I don’t think that’s quite right. Think back to January and February. How was life back then? What did you expect out of the next twelve months? Chances are that was a better time for you, and that if your outlook wasn’t super rosy you probably had …

Scott’s karaoke list

One of my favorite ways to pass the time during the pandemic has been to crack a beer and revisit all the 90s country music hits I loved as a teenager with piss poor judgment. In the process, I’ve realized something very important: I can hit every word in a lot of these songs without …

On mindfulness

I’m putting this here on the off chance it’ll help someone else. Sure, I know my quirky worded rants about dipshits dipping their shit bring smiles to faces, but I can contribute more to the world than that. So this pandemic’s a pain in the ass, right? At the beginning I thought I had it …

Grandma Tessie’s homestyle peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe

Few sandwiches are more satisfying than the good ol’ PB & J. Whether it’s packed for a picnic, taken along to work, or just enjoyed at home, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is an All-American comfort food that hits the spot in any situation! My favorite version of this scrumptiously simple sandwich has been …