So we know that if we want the world to be a slightly less obnoxious place we need to vaccinate as many people as possible against COVID-19. We also know that there are small but entrenched cadres of conspiracy-humping Tucker Carlson fanboys and hippie dippie moon children who absolutely refuse to pull their heads out …
The first drawing in Massachusetts’s shameless ploy to goad its legions of lottery-loving louts into getting the jab is this week. Winners will be announced Thursday. As a proud degenerate Masshole, I signed up five minutes after registration opened. But what oh what will I do when I win all that money? Let’s explore the …
Happy All-Star Break! As the league’s best prepare to putz around in Denver for a bit, it feels like a good time to take the sport’s temperature. I’d say we’re looking at lukewarm. If you’ve read me before, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that I spend a lot of time thinking about the …
Hey, Hollywood: your aliens have gotten boring. I came to this incredibly intelligent conclusion while watching The Tomorrow War on Amazon Prime. Chris Pratt’s latest sci fi action flick about a family man recruited to travel into the future to battle extraterrestrials is amazingly stupid but also perfectly fine for a Saturday night on the …
Where do the Tallisker corporation’s demonic executives come from? Well… You twelve scumbags are here because we believe each of you has the potential to become one of the biggest assholes in the world. Make no mistake: the Tallisker Corporation is not looking for the best and the brightest. We want the worst. The most …
I’m stealing this idea from a headline I saw on Vice.com today. What a great topic, right? I didn’t read it because I wanted to explore the topic for myself. Thanks, Vice.com! With the world reopening thanks to the wonders of science, there’s been a bit of a hopeful buzz in the air lately–but it …
I entered the time of corona like a caterpillar, and thanks to a decrease in booze and an increase in healthy habits I’ve exited my COVID cocoon looking like…a stick bug, I guess. My lost 25 pounds is now super obvious in ways it wouldn’t have been if I’d been able to watch it slowly …
Read more “The things they don’t tell you about losing weight during a pandemic”
I hit full Pfizer-powered vaccine efficacy at approximately 9:45 yesterday morning. I’m feeling good about stepping back into the world, although I have to get in touch with Microsoft support about turning off Cortana. That’s worth celebrating, so I decided to do something I used to enjoy doing multiple times a week but hadn’t done …
Read more “Reflections on my first dinner in a restaurant in over a year”
An interview on the latest episode of 60 Minutes has kicked the zeitgeist into action around unidentified flying objects. Turns out the United States military has been encountering a ton of these things out at sea the last few years. There’s been no word on any abductions and/or probings. I’ve been into this shit since …
I don’t care what people think: HealthMaxx is an amazing brand and I love selling their products! “They’re a pyramid scheme,” my neighbor Penelope said at brunch the other day. “You’re gonna end up spending the kids’ college fund on a closet full of lotion you can’t move.” She was three mimosas deep so I’ve …