If I’d been put in charge of writing the fate of the 2021 New England Patriots, the way things shook out in real life is about how I would’ve written it. The team took an undeniable step forward from a frustrating and embarrassing 2020 (I can relate), but they also aren’t quite there just yet …
Christmas came early to those of us with weird senses of humor thanks to this article about the Cinco Jotas company’s overwhelmed ham sniffers. It’s all about old-fashioned quality control, you see, and ham demand during the holidays means these noses have to get a whiff of about four times as many hams as they …
Read more “I don’t want to be the ham sniffer but I’m glad he exists”
Resolutions are for more reliable people who aren’t so easily distracted by video games and beer. Goals, though–those are fungible and can be worded in a way that lets me say “yeah, I mostly did that” in between grasping excuses. Huzzah! Things I’m totally going to accomplish, I swear Finish up the second Black Yonnix …
So we know that if we want the world to be a slightly less obnoxious place we need to vaccinate as many people as possible against COVID-19. We also know that there are small but entrenched cadres of conspiracy-humping Tucker Carlson fanboys and hippie dippie moon children who absolutely refuse to pull their heads out …
The first drawing in Massachusetts’s shameless ploy to goad its legions of lottery-loving louts into getting the jab is this week. Winners will be announced Thursday. As a proud degenerate Masshole, I signed up five minutes after registration opened. But what oh what will I do when I win all that money? Let’s explore the …
Happy All-Star Break! As the league’s best prepare to putz around in Denver for a bit, it feels like a good time to take the sport’s temperature. I’d say we’re looking at lukewarm. If you’ve read me before, you’ve probably picked up on the fact that I spend a lot of time thinking about the …
Hey, Hollywood: your aliens have gotten boring. I came to this incredibly intelligent conclusion while watching The Tomorrow War on Amazon Prime. Chris Pratt’s latest sci fi action flick about a family man recruited to travel into the future to battle extraterrestrials is amazingly stupid but also perfectly fine for a Saturday night on the …
I’m stealing this idea from a headline I saw on Vice.com today. What a great topic, right? I didn’t read it because I wanted to explore the topic for myself. Thanks, Vice.com! With the world reopening thanks to the wonders of science, there’s been a bit of a hopeful buzz in the air lately–but it …
I entered the time of corona like a caterpillar, and thanks to a decrease in booze and an increase in healthy habits I’ve exited my COVID cocoon looking like…a stick bug, I guess. My lost 25 pounds is now super obvious in ways it wouldn’t have been if I’d been able to watch it slowly …
Read more “The things they don’t tell you about losing weight during a pandemic”
I hit full Pfizer-powered vaccine efficacy at approximately 9:45 yesterday morning. I’m feeling good about stepping back into the world, although I have to get in touch with Microsoft support about turning off Cortana. That’s worth celebrating, so I decided to do something I used to enjoy doing multiple times a week but hadn’t done …
Read more “Reflections on my first dinner in a restaurant in over a year”