On the 2021 New England Patriots

If I’d been put in charge of writing the fate of the 2021 New England Patriots, the way things shook out in real life is about how I would’ve written it. The team took an undeniable step forward from a frustrating and embarrassing 2020 (I can relate), but they also aren’t quite there just yet …

I don’t want to be the ham sniffer but I’m glad he exists

Christmas came early to those of us with weird senses of humor thanks to this article about the Cinco Jotas company’s overwhelmed ham sniffers. It’s all about old-fashioned quality control, you see, and ham demand during the holidays means these noses have to get a whiff of about four times as many hams as they …

Scott’s 2022 writing goals

Resolutions are for more reliable people who aren’t so easily distracted by video games and beer. Goals, though–those are fungible and can be worded in a way that lets me say “yeah, I mostly did that” in between grasping excuses. Huzzah! Things I’m totally going to accomplish, I swear Finish up the second Black Yonnix …

The ultimate vaccination plan

So we know that if we want the world to be a slightly less obnoxious place we need to vaccinate as many people as possible against COVID-19. We also know that there are small but entrenched cadres of conspiracy-humping Tucker Carlson fanboys and hippie dippie moon children who absolutely refuse to pull their heads out …

When I win Vax Millions…

The first drawing in Massachusetts’s shameless ploy to goad its legions of lottery-loving louts into getting the jab is this week. Winners will be announced Thursday. As a proud degenerate Masshole, I signed up five minutes after registration opened. But what oh what will I do when I win all that money? Let’s explore the …

It’s time to modernize movie aliens

Hey, Hollywood: your aliens have gotten boring. I came to this incredibly intelligent conclusion while watching The Tomorrow War on Amazon Prime. Chris Pratt’s latest sci fi action flick about a family man recruited to travel into the future to battle extraterrestrials is amazingly stupid but also perfectly fine for a Saturday night on the …

The things they don’t tell you about losing weight during a pandemic

I entered the time of corona like a caterpillar, and thanks to a decrease in booze and an increase in healthy habits I’ve exited my COVID cocoon looking like…a stick bug, I guess. My lost 25 pounds is now super obvious in ways it wouldn’t have been if I’d been able to watch it slowly …